I'll be home for Christmas...

It's been 7 months since I've been home, and I fly into Washington Reagan airport tomorrow!

I absolutely cannot wait.

I don't think I've ever been this excited to get home before. I'm not homesick, exactly, there's just a constant, joyous thought in the back of my head that says "pretty soon you're going to be surrounded by people who love you and won't judge you. Pretty soon you'll be warm and safe and happy always... at least for the next two weeks." And there are so many things I want to do when I'm there!

• Play Christmas duets on the piano with Nathan
• Plan the garden and plant bulbs with my Daddy
• Scrapbook with Mom
• Sister date to see Twilight
• Long talk with Tanner about life and love...
• Gingerbread houses
• White Christmas
  
• Celebrate love and marriage with Katie, and Andrew&Erica
  
• Go on a lunch date with Mommy and Daddy and no one else is invited (a little selfish, I know, but sometimes you've got to take all of the Mom and Dad time you can get. Those other ones have seen them every day over the last 7 months)
• Sit under the Christmas tree lights listening to Amy Grant Christmas songs
• Tell my family all about my life and why it's wonderful!
• Eat yummy food
• Make yummy food
• Christmas carol (funny side note: I wrote a paper on carbon sequestration the other day. Apparently that word is stuck in my head. I typed the c-a-r for carol, and instead of finishing it -o-l, i automatically hit -b-o-n! Silliness!)
• Say goodbye for now to one of my dearest friends
• Talk on the phone to my Sissy!
• Laugh!
• Miss my Provo people
  
• Hug Mrs. Chiralo, and all the old ladies at church
• Play with babies

So, lots to do... It'll be the best Christmas ever!

Finals Fever

My roommate Stephanie has coined the phrase "Finals Fever" and I know what she's talking about.
I don't want to study today. And I especially don't want to write papers.

We're getting excessively silly around here these days. Dumb things are suddenly funny, and funny things are suddenly hilarious. And we complain about things much more loudly and long-winded-ly.

Stephanie is pretending to be Scottish at the moment. Tartan plaid scarf, you know?

Now she's a Kennedy.

I think I might go play in the snow. It's snowing.

I've spent the morning in my bed pretending to be motivated to get this paper done. Secret fact: I'm really about as unmotivated as possible.

I want to listen to Christmas music. And sing along. I think I might start singing without any real music in the background.

Yesterday I went on a wild goose chase for a Latin Christmas party.

Paul Newman and Robert Redford- Steph's possibly hottest combination alive. Or rather, dead and immortalized.

Ok. Enough nonsense. I'm going to go eat lunch. Or breakfast.

Spiders are like Boys- Icky yet Fascinating?

I feel like there are spiders on me. There aren't. I've checked. But I feel like they're there nonetheless.

Today was a really good day at work. I worked with just my boys- Mark, and Matthew and Joel and Benson. And so I had to pretend not to be super freaked out when a spider the size of a quarter (legs included) that was bright orange-red crawled onto me- yuck! But there were tons of spiders in that hedge, and I was basically sitting under the plants, so I probably had spiders all over me for a few hours.

Somehow, those nasty spiders are intriguing, though. They're really quite cool; the diversity between spiders is amazing. And the way they spin their webs and catch prey and even just the way they move is fascinating.

Spiders are like boys. Both are icky. And both are entirely fascinating. Lately I'm more inclined to think boys are a good thing, though. Mostly. Some of them are still pretty nasty- small and poisonous, petty and spiteful, forcing their venom out to destroy life and happiness. But that's the kind I'm trying to not think about. Most of the boys I know these days are fun, and nice and cheerful. And not venomous.

Realistically Thinking, Now...

Yesterday I wrote a life update. It was optimistic. Stepping down off of cloud 9, here's my life:

Finals are going to be super easy if all I want is to pass my classes. For A's? Well, that complicates things a bit. It might be impossible.

I have my Christmas music for choir down when I'm playing it alone. Get a choir singing behind me, though, and the whole world is thrown off balance. Yikes!

Really, it's a good job. Hardly any downsides that I ignored in my last post.

I think I've left one of my best friends with a bit of a broken heart by dating Mark. Maybe even two of my best friends. I can't tell. That's not enough reason to not be dating him, but I still feel sick and guilty about it all.

Life is hard. But I'm going to go live it, anyways. Love you all!

End-of-Semester Update

Fall semester 2008 is coming to an end, so I feel like I need to recap my life and all I've been up to.

I get to go home in a week and a half! But first I have to pass all of my classes, which could be a challenge. But not because my classes are hard- I've loved all of my them this semester. It'll be difficult because I am distracted and emotionally done with school. I really should focus hard, though. I need to do well next week.

I'm ward choir pianist. We have practice in 45 minutes or so, and I'm so ready. I've got those Christmas songs down pretty well. It's exciting.

I have a fabulous new job for next semester. I'll be moving to the BYU Greenhouses, which is super exciting because I can learn so many things there, and because Tegwyn (greenhouse manager) is super fun, but it's also sad. I'll miss my crew.

I've started dating Mark from my work crew. He's been one of my best friends for months, and so it's interesting to be dating him now. But interesting in a really good way.

Ok. Gotta go to choir. Love my life, though! It's great!

Communication

I've been thinking a lot about communication lately: why situations make communication more difficult, why we choose to communicate some things and not others, how things can be communicated without us intending for them to be, why some people are better communicators than others, how communication depends so much upon timing, how social conventions sometimes restrict effective communication, and what we can do to communicate effectively in spite of social barriers.

I'm in a Technical Communication class, and we've been doing presentations on research topics. I did mine yesterday, and I think it went pretty well, but I'm also quite sure that I talked too quickly and too quietly. Also, I probably said "um..." too many times. But it's hard to explain Carbon Sequestration well in only 8 minutes.

In other communications, I've been thinking lately about how much things are said without the use of words. Why and how we communicate without speaking is fascinating to me. It's amazing how much is said in facial expressions and body language, and in the signals we give off that somehow are almost universally understood. It's the almost part that gets tricky, though. Because what if signals are read incorrectly, or not read at all? Considering the great difficulty that comes in these situations, it's a shock that we bother to use signals at all. Why don't we just say what's on our minds? Probably because, like it or not, sometimes honest communication is frowned upon in our society. Social conventions say that it's somehow better to use vague, confusing signs and expressions than to state outright what we are thinking or feeling. So much for valuing honesty... or maybe not. Maybe we rely on physical communication so much because of how easy it can be to lie with your lips. Expressions are often more reliable than words. As I exhibited earlier today, for instance, it's easy to deny something out loud, but much harder to keep your face from going bright red as the corners of your lips sneak upward into a smile. And so, deny as I might, those silly people could not be kept from the truth.

In spite of the confusion that comes from relying so heavily on signals, it sometimes works out that people read the right signs in the right way, and act on them to make life quite more than bearable!

Blogger's Block

So, I can't think of anything to write... I thought about writing a list of the things I'm grateful for, since it's Thanksgiving time. I thought about writing about the funny things I've noticed on the playlist I've been listening to this week. I thought about talking about Christmas time, since I've been starting to decorate and listening to carols. I thought about writing about the silliness I've been up to the past few days... but then I decided that I didn't really want to write about any of those things.

And so, I'm writing about all the things that I don't want to write about instead.

I really don't want to write about carbon sequestration. But I have to. I'm writing a research paper on that fabulous topic for my English 316 class. It's a pretty solid paper at the moment, but I don't like it at all. I know it's a good paper, but I don't feel like it's a piece of writing I can be proud of. Also, who even cares about carbon sequestration?

All in all, I don't want to write anything. I have an email I've been meaning to respond to, and don't want to write that either. My journal entries this week have been ridiculously short.

I need to go home. It's time for Christmas to be here already!

OK- enough rambling for now. Maybe the next time I write I'll be more positive, and have something to say!

The "L-word"

You all know the one I'm talking about. Four letters long, and in some situations the scariest thing you could possibly say. In other situations, rumor has it, it's heavenly.

L-O-V-E

Who knew a word could be so powerful?

I think I use this word too often. I love cornbread. I love driving my BYU Grounds truck. I love having a clean kitchen. I love my bed, and especially my pillow. I love, love, love... fill in the blanks.

The madness has got to stop! There are things in this world that I really do love, and feel good about giving that label to. I love my major. I love my roommates, my best friends, my family. I love reading my scriptures, and I love the Lord. I love a lot of very valid things. But I say that I love a lot of silly, irrelevant things.

I've been wondering about that word in relation to people lately. No one questions it when I say that I love my family, or my roommates or my visiting teachers or my female coworkers or neighbors or the girl I just met three and a half minutes ago when she took my order at a restaurant (hypothetically, of course). But when I want to tell my boys that I love them? Yikes, watch out!

I've decided that the use of the word "love" in my life is in need of some reform. I need to (1) use it less often for things that are silly and (2) use it more often for people who are important in my life regardless of whether they are male or female. I won't claim to love the restaurant girl, but I'm going to try not to shy away from letting my boys know that I love them.

The problem with "love" is that it means so many different things, especially between girls and boys. When I throw that word down, I could mean "I think you're fun to be with for now" (as in "haha- I'm a ditz and I love you! haha"). It could mean "I care for you at the same level that I care for my best girlfriends, and no one balks when I say I love them." Or it could mean that I've suddenly fallen head-over-heels in LOVE with one of my boys. And while that one is the least likely for me to be expressing, it's where people jump to when they jump to conclusions.

I told an ex-boyfriend that I loved him the other day, casually. We were chatting online, and he was about to sign out so I said "ttyl- love ya!" That really should be an ok thing to say, shouldn't it? Or when I went to visit my friend who recently broke his hand. I was about to leave, and said "Ok- promise to call me if you need anything. Remember- I love you." I think I might have freaked him out a little bit. I have a friend who often calls me on the phone to check up on me and make sure I had a good day. Up until now I have resisted the urge to say "Talk to you later- love you!" at the end of conversations, but maybe next time I won't. I think it every time, in the "I care for you and hope everything is going well in your life" sort of way. But with it always on my mind, one of these days it's going to slip out, so wouldn't it be better for me to make a conscious decision that it's an ok thing to say? That way it wouldn't surprise me when it came out. Either way, I think it would surprise him a bit too much.

So in conclusion: You're just not supposed to say "love you" to boys. It freaks them out a little. So... what? I never get to say it? Or I say it and freak them out. One or the other. This week I chose a bit of both- "love you"s to some of them, "uh... bye"s to others.

Either way, it's probably not true that I love applesauce. But I think I might go eat some before bed anyways!

The Coolest Saturday Ever!

Today was a good day. Here are the fabulous things I did:

1. Cousin Breakfast- my cousin Jen was in town from Texas, so the Johnson cousins who are here who weren't busy went out to breakfast. It was so good to see everyone and share love and excitement with them all!
2. Football Game- BYU played SDSU, and they were actually playing. It was good to see my Cougars play actual football again. We won. We played pretty good ball. Wish we hadn't let them score so much on us (12 points) but it was still good to see.
3. Stadium Cleanup- Not actually something that sounds like fun, but it was really good. I was so wet when I was done. SO WET! Yikes. But it felt great to work hard, and get some things done.
   
4. Shower- Warm water and then dry clothes- need I say more?
   
5. Bonfire- Hot dog roasting and marshmallow toasting! YUM! Steph, Katie and I went with our friend Kyle to his sister's house where they have a fire pit. Two of his nephews were out there with us, and they were SO CUTE! It was so good to play with those little kid.
   
6. Wii Sports- Tennis and Bowling (I won!) and Golf. I had never played Wii golf before. It was an adventure.
7. Jeeping- Kyle has a Jeep with some crazy thing to lock his axles or something. I don't know what. Anyway, we were just driving a few blocks, and then it ended up being a jeeping trip. Katie and Stephie and I were squealing and giggling the whole time.
   
8. Drinking Water- Fire=Dehydration. That's bad. Love water!
   
9. Chilling on the Couch Blogging
10. Brian Regan

Next I'm going to shower and go to bed! Yay bed!

Roommate Love!

Tonight is roommate date night! It's fabulous. I have basically the most wonderful roommates in the world, even if they do laugh at my horrific spelling as they read over my shoulder as I blog about them...

So, we're just all sitting here, cozy on the couch. And it's super fun. I don't really know what else to say about roommate love, but it's one of the best feelings in the world.

We're going out to yummy dinner at Olive Garden tonight. Katie's never been, and so we are going to celebrate love, and Stephie is fully planning on going all out- yay splurging on yummy food!

Next semester Katie is going off on adventure in Scotland... it will be so exciting for her, but sad for us. We're hoping the love doesn't leave with her. But we got really lucky with this "mystery roommate #4" and so are hopeful that the next one will be decent.

Well, Allison just got home from Volleyball, so it is almost time for the next part of date night. I'm so excited for good food, it's ridiculous!

I think I'm going to go Wikipedia what Italian people eat for breakfast, but I'm so very grateful for my fabulous home. It's full of love, love, love... like this: <3!

Reasons for Tension, Stress, Worry in My Life Today

TENSION: Currently caused by football. TCU was leading the whole game and then they let Utah score in the last minute of game time, and lost 13:10. Dumb horned frogs.

STRESS: The future. What else could stress a girl out quite like that concept? I am especially stressed after my "Careers in Landscape Management" class every week, where we learn that I don't have anywhere near enough practical knowledge to succeed as anything in the green industry. Talk about comforting insights coming from that class... or not! And then there's the fact that I'm growing up... don't even get me started on how freaked out that thought makes me!

WORRY: There are too many people that I know who are struggling with hard stuff right now. I'm a natural worrier. I just tend to be concerned for everyone else. Especially when I'm stressed (see above) I worry even more. Old friends and family members and people from home... so many of them are dealing with big, hard things, and I can't fix any of it. But I worry anyways. Also, it's 9:30 and my roommate isn't home yet. She should have been home by 9:15 at the latest... I sound like her mother...



JOY: I didn't remember to mention this one in the title, but there is so much joy! In the world of football, VT upset Maryland (number 23) tonight, 23:13. As a Virginia girl, that was good to see. Go HOKIES! My future isn't so bleak; I love the things I'm studying and have so many more opportunities ahead of me in the year and a half until I graduate. Also, I've been promised that things will work out if I have faith. I need to have faith for everyone else, too. Things will work out. Isn't hope beautiful!?! So even though I can't fix everything, I need to remember to keep going. "Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid" (John 14:27). Love that scripture. I need to rededicate myself to living that way.

"Fear not, neither be dismayed"

It has been over a month since I wrote an update here. That's a long time! So, I decided to fix that by writing something tonight. It promises not to be brilliant, but that's alright. Can't be brilliant every time.

I have some serious issues with growing up. Some days I just don't want to do it; being an adult is too hard, so I am going to pretend to be 7 years old for the rest of my life. Some days I am ready to be done growing up, to be 82 years old with 27 grandchildren and a few great grandchildren on the way. Rarely I am content to be 20 years old and figuring life out. Being 20 is simply too confusing.

I'm afraid of growing up. I'm scared of making decisions that will impact the rest of my life and forever. I don't like trusting new people, but know that blocking everyone out doesn't work. I'm not certain that I trust myself. There are too many things I have to decide that I might mess up for me to trust myself.

I want life to speed up too often. I need to slow down and be content with the place I'm at now. There are so many good things going on in my life. I have to stop complaining long enough to appreciate them instead of going through life scowling with worry and being grumpy all the time.

I need to serve other people more. Service is the best way to get my mind off of my silly self. So that's what I need to do.

Today there was a BYU Devotional given on hope. It was a wonderful devotional. I love the concept of hope. Hope is what fills the world with purpose, that convinces us to keep going. Hope makes it possible for us to use the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Hope is what allows us to look forward to a joyous, wonderful forever. Hope is what brings the beautiful things around us to our attention and helps us sing blissful praises of gratitude to our Heavenly Father for these blessings. It was a good message for me to hear today.

There's snow on the mountains today, and wet fall leaves litter the sidewalks. It's beautiful.

Deuteronomy 31:6, 8
Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee... And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.

Cougar Football

I never was a big football girl growing up. Didn't get it, didn't care to, you know? Well. That has changed, people. Since coming to BYU, I have learned a thing or two. My wonderful friend Stephanie explained football to me as no one had been able to before, and really, once you get what's going on, it's much more fun to watch. In the two seasons since then, BYU football has become monumentally more important. As important to my happiness as breathing and sunshine. Not quite as important as water, but only just behind it in the catalog of "things that bring Caresse joy."

There's a lot of football in this country, but I don't usually follow any of it unless the Cougars are playing. This season, however, I've started to pay attention to the broader world of college football. BYU is ranked, and so I've started to explore the delicate balance of upsets and conferences and all of that. Over the course of this week, I have spent literally hours researching football. HOURS!!! Yikes! Don't know where I found the time, but I have managed to squeeze in homework, classes, work, roommate time, food, sleeping, dating AND football! It's been so fun!

Landscape Management and Other Silly (Wonderful) Stuff

I have basically the coolest major ever. And here's why: (1) I get credits for making and playing with mud every week, (2) My first big school project is pressing flowers, and (3) I get to see the same friends in all of my classes. These are all good things. I am absolutely loving this semester.

In addition to thinking school is the best thing ever, there are exciting new things happening in the world of dating, namely I really like this one boy, and he really likes me back, and we see each other almost every single day, and the more time I spend with him, the better I like him. Also good things.

And if that weren't enough to make my life basically the best ever, I also have a washer and dryer in my apartment. Woah. Talk about good things.

Life Update

So, it's been about forever and a day since I wrote on here (still no internet at home, and I don't love using public computers more than absolutely neccesary) and I'm feeling like I need to get the world caught up on what I've been doing!

I am moved in to my apartment and done with the first week of the semester (15 to go!) and am busy but loving it! Life's basically amazing right now. So much so, in fact, that I don't really want to write about it- I want to live it! And not that much is new. Just my classes and my house and my ward and the boys I flirt with, and the boy that I am liking now who I'm pretty positive likes me back, and roommate #4, and almost everything else. But it's not that big a deal. I mean, honestly, I was getting bored of where I was at a little bit, and I haven't had time to be homesick in days! It's great.

So, anyway... that's basically my life. Love it. Off to find something to study now. Bye!

To Do:

Yikes, there are things to do this week! School starts a week from today, and the time between then and now is going to be FULL! I am so excited- I love being busy! And I love school, and positively can not wait to take the classes I am signed up for! But before I can celebrate and rejoice in my status as a full time student, I have to get things done.

Today I went to the BYU Bookstore. A few hundred dollars later, and heavily weighed down with textbooks, I emerged triumphant: my books are absolutely beautiful! Yeah, so I'm a total school dork. I have a 2-inch thick book on the structures in Landscape Architecture, and two gorgeous, full color encyclopedias, one of garden annuals, the other of perennials. They are lovely. I've already gotten teary-eyed over my perennial book...

In addition to text books, I need to:
-Find out move in procedure for my apartment
-Move in to my apartment (can't do that until Friday)
-Make a serious grocery store run (also, not until Friday, and not until I can rope one of my friends with a car into taking me)
-Get everything out of storage (same conditions as the grocery store)
-Meet with (as soon as their offices open again):
-my faculty adviser
-the general advisement people
-a business school adviser
-another one of my professors
-Go to the Cougar Football game Saturday
-Print out my Football tickets
-Figure out which address I had BYU send my sports pass to (oops!)
-Make about a million thank-you cookies for all of the people who have helped me SO MUCH this summer (once I have a kitchen, and ingredients, and baking utensils)
-Probably many more things that I am forgetting

The craziness can't really start until Friday, because I need a house to do most of this stuff, and a lot of the other things don't apply until school offices open again for fall. But it's overwhelming to think about it all!

Finished!!!

Well, I am officially done with my summer term classes, and it feels wonderful! And now I'm done, and am going to go swimming! What bliss to have it over! Ok, that's all.

Time Crunch!

Yikes! I have too many things to do by this Thursday! I don't know how I'm going to get it all done! Actually, it will not be too impossible, because I am taking today off of work so that I can do my schoolwork. But there's a lot to do in the next few days! I have a final to take, a 6-page paper to write, an apartment to pack up, move out of and clean... so many things that need to get done! And so I find myself blogging... which is cathartic, but really a non-essential at this point. I should get out of here and back to work!

Aside from my to-do list, I am trying to not be severely annoyed at a friend of mine. He's just so... dumb right now! It's hard not to be irritated! But that's ok. I don't have to think about his issues right now. I have enough of my own to focus on!

So, last night I couldn't sleep because I was thinking about all of the things I need to be doing right now. I don't know if I should take a nap this morning or not. I don't want to take my final drowsy, but I don't want to nap and wake up with a fuzzy, sleepy brain, either. We'll see how long it takes me to get ready for this test, maybe. Testing Center doesn't even open until 12:00 on Tuesdays in the summer, so it'll be a while before I can take this test anyway.

OK, so this isn't the most interesting blog entry. But it's what's in my head right now, and I needed to get it out so that I can focus on Organizational Effectiveness! What a fun time this class is... unless you're the very reluctant business minor type.

Reminder

A dear friend reminded me about an hour ago that my life is in very capable hands, and that when I trust in my Heavenly Father it will all work out. Just wanted to say thanks for that reminder, and to mention a few of the things in my life that show just how blessed I am.

I have eyes that can see all the glorious summer colors around me.
I was able to get caught in rainstorms two days in a row.
I am not allergic to chocolate or peaches, and so I can eat them anytime I want- yum!
There is food in my kitchen (finally made it to the grocery store!)
I have an apartment (with a kitchen!) that feels like a home.
I have the most amazing family and friends who watch out for me and love me.
I am blessed to be at BYU studying something I have a real passion for.
I know how to work hard and am good at learning things.
I will never, EVER be alone, because I can always trust in my Savior.

He said "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; Not as the world giveth give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid" (John 14:27). This used to be my motivation to get through the day. Another wonderful blessing in my life is that I no longer find myself always in need of greater peace. My life is peaceful, and joyful and absolutely lovely! I have been blessed with new enthusiasm for life, and love for the people around me. With this in mind, I feel really quite silly for stressing the little stuff. I have been blessed, and will continue to be blessed every day as I live my life the way I have been commanded to live it.

I think that sometimes I get so caught up in what I'm missing that I forget to look at what a wonderful place I am in. My life right now is really, truly spectacular! That doesn't mean it's easy. Whatever life is, it isn't easy. But challenges can be blissful. So, in conclusion, my life right now is a magnificent and well-guided challenge. What a blessing to be able to learn from it!

p.s. Thanks for the reminder, my beautiful friend!

Thunderstorms and Lavender

I am incredibly homesick today. I just want my family to be all around me again. I have absolutely loved this summer, but I miss my home.

I was walking in the BYU Terraced Garden (one of my favorite places on campus) this afternoon in a rainstorm. There were familiar plants all around me: snapdragons, balloon flowers, scabiosa, liatris, columbine, foxgloves, lavender, and campion. Meandering through the rows of flowers always reminds me of my daddy, and today was no exception. In fact, today it was worse. I miss my dad. I miss working along side of him in the yard, and talking to him about everything. I miss the way he cheers me up by having me tell him about the best things in my life right now. I miss seeing how he loves my mother. I have the best family ever, and I want them around me today.

I'm about to go eat dinner with my almost-family here in Provo. They're wonderful, and have sort of adopted me while I'm out at school. I'm so grateful for all of their love. I don't know what I would do without my family!

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I think I'll move to Australia.

Such a silly book, but I know the feeling well. Generally, I love my life. Sometimes I don't. Right now, I'm not really feeling it. Right now, I want to curl up and be held by someone. I'm tired of being lonely. I want my big sister back. But she's a bit busy... so I think I'll go to her- in Australia!

I don't know how to do this. I'm not old enough to be grown up today. I want to be taken care of today. I need someone to tell me it will all be OK, to reassure me that I am still doing the things I am supposed to be doing, and so it will all work out in the end. I need someone to remind me that my Heavenly Father is looking out for me, and that there is a plan. I could also use a distraction or two so I could focus on someone other than myself. I should go do service. I'm sick of myself. That's all.

David

Who ever it was who first thought that life could or should be easy had things quite backwards. Living is not easy. It is not always fun, and things do not always go the way mortal justice says they should. People are hurt, people die. There is suffering all over the world. Life is not an easy thing to get through. And yet we continue. When there are so many reasons not to keep living it, why do people bother to make the effort? How is it that there are people who actually love life? They must all be crazy. Turns out, I'm one of those crazies. I absolutely love being alive. It's not perfect, or easy, and can break your heart sometimes. But life is worth living for as long as we're blessed with the opportunity. I am feeling so blessed that I have the chance to take chances, and make choices and mistakes. Every second I am here, I am blessed. "For behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend on the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have?" (Mosiah 4:19)

The folk hymn "My Shepherd will Supply my Need" says:
My Shepherd will supply my need,
Jehovah is His name,
In pastures fresh He makes me feed
Beside the living stream...
The sure provisions of my God
Attend me all my days;
Oh, may Thy house be my abode
And all my work be praise.

I have and am nothing without the gifts of my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ. I'm working to live my life in a way that "all my work [is] praise." When placed in this context, loving life doesn't seem so silly after all. My life is a work of rejoicing and giving thanks to my God! Not very many things can inspire happiness quite like gratitude does. I am so grateful for the life I have been granted, and ever since I've realized how much a blessing my life is, I can't seem to contain the joy inside of me! Bubbling bliss, I said jokingly the other day, but it's an accurate description. Life is a joyous thing!

Smoothies

So, I recently discovered the joy of blending stuff! It's been great so far. I've made all sorts of yummy mixtures so far. Some favorites:
-chocolate cherry (with hot cocoa mix!)
-mango strawberry
-cherry peach
-raspberry/ blackberry
So good! I'm almost out of vanilla yogurt, though! Yikes!

Confidence

Confidence is a dangerous thing. I'm not quite as sold on the whole idea today as I was just 24 hours ago. I used to have absolutely no confidence AT ALL, and that was miserable, but this summer I'm positively brimming with it, and it turns out that comes with its own new slew of problems. For example, I get overly confident about how I'm going to do at school, and then don't do as well as I should on tests and things. Or I totally botch up a cut at work because I'm pretty sure it'll be ok, and then it isn't and I've created a huge hole. Worst of all is the fact that I am overly confident with myself when it comes to people, and it's turning me into a ridiculous flirt. I am not trying to lead anyone on. That is so far from my intentions that I don't understand how it keeps happening. I am definitely not trying to fling myself at people. I just want to tell them all that I am in love with myself, not with them. But that's not exactly a kind statement. And then there's the issue called when I'm too confident I tend to fib to myself instead of admitting that there are flaws or dents or even little inconsistencies in my plan. I like having thoroughly defined plans. They make me feel so secure about things. Luckily or not, however, life does not like to follow my plans. And so I stubbornly hold to them, refusing to admit that maybe a different plan would be better, or at least possible, and then the inconsistencies build up until they finally come crashing through, and I have to finally admit to myself that I've been lying about things, and hiding from truth. And so we see that confidence isn't always entirely healthy for me. I need to reign myself in a little bit. Take some time to breathe. And think. And pray. And listen. I especially need to listen better.

Free Cell

Stubbornness and competitiveness are funny things. Today I think that they go together quite well. I was working on a game of free cell against my computer today, and couldn't figure it out. I got so close... a lot of times. It's kind of embarrassing how many times I tried to solve that silly puzzle. And then I accidentally pressed "New" instead of "Retry"! I almost cried because I don't remember which one it was that I was working on! I might never solve it. I contemplated going through and trying to find it, but that felt a little ridiculous. I wonder if there's a "Recently Played" list somewhere that I could find. I'll have to go look. But I was just laughing at myself for how badly I wanted to solve this silly game and how in to it I got, even though it actually doesn't matter in the end. Funny.
At my job this week we've been pruning Pyracantha. It's a wicked, spiny thing whose branches get all tangled up into each other, and it doesn't seem to appreciate being pruned. It stabs at you and is itchy and irritating. Those silly plants can get me so worked up. The more it pokes me and the harder it resists being pulled apart the more stubborn I get. But I love it. I love that no matter how hard they resist, I am stronger than these silly shrubs, and will eventually win! It's glorious.
I think in the end it's mostly just about being good at things. When I feel like I should be good at something, and then I'm not doing as well as I would like to be, I start fighting for it. Silly, stubborn me. Good thing I've learned how to laugh at myself instead of getting frustrated. Also, it's a good thing that Pyracantha isn't as tough as I am!

Growing Up

I’m not sure what it is about being a “young adult” that is so frightening. It may be the rapid and unpredictable changes that are happening to my life as well as to who I am. It could be my sudden independence, which leaves me to deal with these changes using my own judgment. Whatever it is about being in this stage in life that frightens me, though, also is exciting and wonderful. I am ready for life! I can do it, because regardless of all these other changes, I have a family and wonderful friends, and they love me. My family has taught me how to love and laugh and work and pray. I have learned from their examples, and am strengthened by their love and faith. They bless me every day of my life. They have blessed me to realize how much I am worth by simply loving me. I want to be better so that I can in turn bless them. It is amazing how much courage I draw from simply knowing that there are people I can turn to if I ever need any kind of help. It is also comforting to realize that, although they are always there to help me when I need it, I have been making my own good decisions every day of my life. Based off of what I have learned from my family, I am ready to conquer life, and to celebrate and enjoy it! The freedom and bliss that come from knowing that my life is in loving hands amazes me. It is an ecstatic, joyous feeling!

The First of the Silliness

I don't know why I felt compelled to set up a blog. It's funny. Maybe I just need someplace to put all the silly things I'm thinking down. After all, I think an awful lot of silly things. I think I miss writing. I love everything I'm studying, but I don't get a chance to write as much as I wish I did. I miss being a journalist, even though I wasn't ever great at that. I miss using exactly the right word to say just what I want to say. The last time I really thought my words out carefully it was to tell someone off after a long time of them deserving to hear it. I need to use my words for positive reasons, too. So I have joined the blogging masses. And so far, I think it's kind of fun!