Apathy

Among the most dreaded of emotional states, none is worse, in my personal opinion, than that of apathy. It is apathy that turns life into drudgery, without feeling or emotion. All light of passion goes out as a numbing grey fog settles over the heart.

I'm afraid that this dense mist has been creeping through the cracks in my heart the past few days. I try to banish it, but over and over it returns, extinguishing my desire to act and do, to love and feel and enjoy life. This is especially bad because I have quite a to-do list before me, and a fast-approaching deadline. But try as I might, I can not quite escape the occasional lapse into uncaring numbness.

Worst of all is that under the apathy, there is an element of loneliness that makes it hard to wish the apathy away. Once it's gone, I have to start feeling lonely again. And if I had to pick an "even worse than the worst possible" emotion it would be loneliness.

Deep down somewhere, my heart is holding on to the hope that I know that my life is being guided by a loving Father in Heaven, and that He is always with me. Most days, that hope is right at the core of who I am and all I do. I think I'm letting it slip, however, which is a grave mistake. I need to hold on a bit more tightly to precious hope.

I'm tired of being strong. I want someone else to be strong today, and to let me be carried.